Update City
Population: me
It's April, and the medical stuff is glacially progressing towards Estrogenville!
I saw a doctor regarding my transition back in December, thinking that I would have to get OFF of the Warfarin (aka Coumadin) that I had been prescribed for blood clots. (I had a couple blood clots in my upper right arm in May 2014... see first blog entry for more info) She referred me to a hematologist. I talked to him, and he said that due to a mutation in my blood that makes me more prone to clotting, that I would most likely be on Warfarin or its like for the rest of my life... HOWEVER, this hematologist saw no reason that I couldn't have the estrogen I've wanted since I realized I was transgender. My heart leapt!!! He said that my taking estrogen would only increase my risk of a blood clot by five to ten percent... I LIKE those odds!!!
So I spoke to my doctor again, asking when I could FINALLY get the sweet nectar of estrogen... She said that the level of Warfarin in my bloodstream would have to be stable for them to start me on estrogen. However, I was assured that this would be the last hurdle I'd have to surmount to obtain what I've been searching for. (Or if not the absolute last, then damn close...) I've been having my blood tested to check the level of Warfarin in it (they call it an "INR", which I believe stands for "International Normalized Ratio"), and my last INR was exactly where they wanted it!!! I'll get another test (I wish I could study for these things! lol) in a couple weeks, and if all goes well; I think that I may FINALLY reach the city limits of Estrogenville!!! Fingers, toes & eyes crossed...
Now comes the part where I admit my failings- I had a job... A good job... But I done screwed myself out of it because I had... more feelings to push away, apparently... In November, I was ticketed for Use of Intoxicant... I was inhaling computer duster to get high. Irresponsible, I know; but these are the things addicts like myself do (or DID... More about that in a moment...) You'd THINK that this would be a BIG wake-up call... Guess again. I began to steal computer duster from my job, using it to get high with; and they caught me stealing it, and rightfully fired me. ("What a dumbass!" "I know, I know..." "SO irresponsible..." "Right." "And stupid..." "All RIGHT, already!!! I KNOW I fucked up!!! <heavy sigh>" {This was just some of the dialogue I had with myself...} )
The resulting court appearances, probation, and loss of money were the wake-up call I needed to FINALLY get the help I needed to stop getting intoxicated! As of this writing, I have over 2 months CLEAN AND SOBER!!! I never thought I'd be glad about something like that, but I really am... Plus I have met some good friends who are also in recovery; both through the AA meetings (granted, more of my problems stemmed from chemicals other than alcohol, but the lessons I've been learning are universal) which I attend weekly, and in other places. And just for today, I'm not going to use drugs or drink... Tomorrow's looking good on that score as well... After that? Well, I can't guarantee anything, but the PLAN is to NOT get intoxicated... Ever again...
Because I got fired, I'm searching for another full-time job. So far, all I've found is temp work, but I'm diligently searching for gainful employment. More on this as it develops!
And now news from the romantical front... I am engaged!!! Yes, I; Olivia Hope Woodstock (last name soon to change- more on that in a later installment of this blog) am engaged!!! My fiancee's name is Wynter (for now... she's thinking of changing her name, but I'll love her no matter what...), and she is a trans girl just like yours truly. We have been engaged since January... I've not actually physically MET her yet, but I really don't give a rat's ass what she looks like... (I do KNOW what she looks like... We chat every day...) I'll avoid saying too awful much about her here to protect her privacy; but rest assured, we are in LOVE!!! My plan is to leave Minnesota (that sound you just heard was the collective gasp of thousands of incredulous Minnesotans... lol), and to be in her arms by Christmas 2016, or sooner if I'm able!!!
So: to sum up...
Livy is thisclose to her blessed estrogen, and a VERY large step in not being "the boy" anymore!!!
Livy has over 2 months CLEAN AND SOBER, and intends to remain so in perpetuity!!!
Livy needs a job... and is searching high and low for work...
Livy is head-over-heels in love with, and engaged to a beautiful trans girl like herself!!!
There's your update, kids... I'm sorry it took me so long to do this one!!! I really should blog, and write (poetry, fiction, whatever) more often... Apparently, I seem to have some kind of talent for it... [I try not to brag, because I hate people who do... but my therapist posed an interesting question last week... "When does it stop being bragging & become self-confidence?" So, I'll have to admit to myself that I can actually do something (other than breathe, eat, and take up an insane amount of space) reasonably well...] And I do find it kind of enjoyable, so I really will try to do it more often.
Until next we meet here, on the road to Estrogenville (Population: millions of women), this is your friendly neighborhood Olivia, signing off!!! Peace, Love & Music to all!!! I wish you Happiness, Health, and Success!!!
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Hi there, everyone... It's Olivia, your crazy friend down the street... lol You know the one... She's a good egg, but just a little cracked... (Hey, the cracks build character!!! lol)
So earlier today, I learned that one of my high school classmates died yesterday. I can still see her face in my mind... well, more than her face... Let me explain. I remember lusting after this girl for the entire four years of high school. I had thought that she was just the most gorgeous creature I'd ever seen... Petite, flaming red hair, a generous spray of freckles on a pretty face with a cute button nose and full lips that I had dreamed about kissing more times than I can count... I can remember sitting behind her in a few classes we both had... Let's just say that... erm, I quite enjoyed the view from there... She was very attractive.
So why do I mention my former classmate, other than to establish myself as a completely unrepentant raging horndog?!? Those of you who've read this blog before have probably already guessed that I'm a horndog by now... lol No, I mention her because of the manner in which she died; by an overdose of a drug I'm quite thankful to number among the few I haven't tried: heroin. I have quite the laundry list of drugs that I've wasted my time and money on in the past... mostly marijuana, but I've tried cocaine, crack, opium, hashish, acid, alcohol, and various inhalants. I think that I'm finally having a small bit of success in getting off that roller coaster (about 2 months clean and sober!!!) because I am now FINALLY dealing with what I believe is the reason I made all the bad choices I did... I was trying to push away the feelings I'd had of being transgender. I guess that even as a high school student, I was having these feelings; but had no idea what they were, what they meant or why I was having them.
I can't help but think, "there but for the grace of God go I..." I mean that I could have just as easily chosen to add heroin to the multifarious list of mood-altering substances I've ingested over the years... I'd certainly demonstrated a desire to "escape" the feelings I had, whether those feelings were self-pity, loneliness, self-hatred, or just feeling generally inadequate compared to my peers... I could have followed that same route, and ended up in the same place. "That could've been me..."
I'm left now to wonder just what she had been going through (we didn't really know each other well at all) that made her believe that heroin was a viable alternative. I'm not naive enough to think that I could have rescued her from whatever demons might have been lurking in her life, for whatever reasons I may have wanted to try to do so. It really makes me curious as to what kind of problems a beautiful lady like that would have, that would make her choose not only drugs; but a drug that has killed SO many people indiscriminately. Why would someone who had all that beauty and promise make that choice?
And all this time, I had thought that she and I were completely different people... Maybe that's one of the reasons I was attracted to her... ("Opposites attract" is the old saw...) But the more I think about it... and what little I knew of her... I see how similar we actually were. We were both searching for happiness and acceptance, we both seemed to think we'd receive it from other people instead of finding it within ourselves, and we both turned to drugs as a means of trying to cope with reality... And little did I know it at the time, but we were both women... although, I have the horrendous problem of being cursed with an entirely male-looking body- but I'm working on changing that!!!
I guess that certain things affect different people in different ways... I will mourn my former classmate's loss for sure, as I did with another former classmate who died of leukemia. But I think I'll really take away something very different from this... No matter HOW much someone seems to have things all together on the outside; inside, they could be fighting a battle that you can't even begin to understand. (And you would think that I would have known that already... Not so, amigo... Not so.)
Rest in peace, my friend. Rest in peace. And thank you for the time we had together; and for what you taught me, both in the past and today. Thank you.
So earlier today, I learned that one of my high school classmates died yesterday. I can still see her face in my mind... well, more than her face... Let me explain. I remember lusting after this girl for the entire four years of high school. I had thought that she was just the most gorgeous creature I'd ever seen... Petite, flaming red hair, a generous spray of freckles on a pretty face with a cute button nose and full lips that I had dreamed about kissing more times than I can count... I can remember sitting behind her in a few classes we both had... Let's just say that... erm, I quite enjoyed the view from there... She was very attractive.
So why do I mention my former classmate, other than to establish myself as a completely unrepentant raging horndog?!? Those of you who've read this blog before have probably already guessed that I'm a horndog by now... lol No, I mention her because of the manner in which she died; by an overdose of a drug I'm quite thankful to number among the few I haven't tried: heroin. I have quite the laundry list of drugs that I've wasted my time and money on in the past... mostly marijuana, but I've tried cocaine, crack, opium, hashish, acid, alcohol, and various inhalants. I think that I'm finally having a small bit of success in getting off that roller coaster (about 2 months clean and sober!!!) because I am now FINALLY dealing with what I believe is the reason I made all the bad choices I did... I was trying to push away the feelings I'd had of being transgender. I guess that even as a high school student, I was having these feelings; but had no idea what they were, what they meant or why I was having them.
I can't help but think, "there but for the grace of God go I..." I mean that I could have just as easily chosen to add heroin to the multifarious list of mood-altering substances I've ingested over the years... I'd certainly demonstrated a desire to "escape" the feelings I had, whether those feelings were self-pity, loneliness, self-hatred, or just feeling generally inadequate compared to my peers... I could have followed that same route, and ended up in the same place. "That could've been me..."
I'm left now to wonder just what she had been going through (we didn't really know each other well at all) that made her believe that heroin was a viable alternative. I'm not naive enough to think that I could have rescued her from whatever demons might have been lurking in her life, for whatever reasons I may have wanted to try to do so. It really makes me curious as to what kind of problems a beautiful lady like that would have, that would make her choose not only drugs; but a drug that has killed SO many people indiscriminately. Why would someone who had all that beauty and promise make that choice?
And all this time, I had thought that she and I were completely different people... Maybe that's one of the reasons I was attracted to her... ("Opposites attract" is the old saw...) But the more I think about it... and what little I knew of her... I see how similar we actually were. We were both searching for happiness and acceptance, we both seemed to think we'd receive it from other people instead of finding it within ourselves, and we both turned to drugs as a means of trying to cope with reality... And little did I know it at the time, but we were both women... although, I have the horrendous problem of being cursed with an entirely male-looking body- but I'm working on changing that!!!
I guess that certain things affect different people in different ways... I will mourn my former classmate's loss for sure, as I did with another former classmate who died of leukemia. But I think I'll really take away something very different from this... No matter HOW much someone seems to have things all together on the outside; inside, they could be fighting a battle that you can't even begin to understand. (And you would think that I would have known that already... Not so, amigo... Not so.)
Rest in peace, my friend. Rest in peace. And thank you for the time we had together; and for what you taught me, both in the past and today. Thank you.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Hi, kids!!! It's your friendly neighborhood Olivia, here with a list of things of THINGS THAT I'M GRATEFUL FOR; (this list is in no particular order, by the way...)
- I'm grateful for the opportunity to find myself... To find out who and what I am, what makes me happy, what make me sad, what I love, what I hate... and just what makes me tick in general. Self-examination is difficult, and at times heart-wrenching; but it's a necessary thing for me to do so I can move forward.
- I'm grateful for the opportunity to change my life for the better... This has both nothing, and everything, to do with being transgender... I've made quite a lot of terrible decisions in my life, and making positive changes in my life will enable me to progress more smoothly in my transition. My New Year's resolutions are to love myself more, and to not do stupid stuff... I've done WAY too much stupid stuff in my life and wasted way too much of it not to think about changing it for the better.
- I'm grateful for coffee!!! I love to drink it... I love that it wakes me up in the morning... I love the taste of it, the smell of it, and the sounds my little coffee maker makes when it burbles happily as it brews up that wonderful yummy goodness!!!
- I'm grateful for Facebook, and for the friends I have there... My friends have made me smile, made me happy, made me laugh, and made me think... They've taught me quite a bit... not just about being transgender, but about simply being a better human being. I'd like to thank each and every one of them for the impact they've made on my life.
- I'm grateful for my sister's support!!! Telling her that I was transgender was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in my entire life. Sometimes siblings (and parents) don't take that kind of news well at all... but my sister continues to be one of the best friends I have in the world! She listens, she offers advice, but most importantly, SHE CARES!!! I may not be her brother anymore, but she will always be my sister!!!
- I'm grateful for music... Music has been a constant in my life, ever since that little kid with the portable transistor radio back in the 70's; since the kid with the Walkman in the 80's; since my major cassette-buying era in the 90's; through the 2000's and up to today. Despite all of the bad decisions I've made in my life, there have been some pleasant times... Music brings back those good memories. Music has made me happy, sad, angry, and calm... For every mood and situation in my life, there's a song... Through good times and bad, music has always been there for me; in my head, in my heart, and in my soul.
- I'm grateful that I finally understand why I'd felt different from everyone else I knew for most of my life... I am transgender. For a long time, I thought I was just very weird, and that there was no hope for me to ever be truly happy. I realize now that that was not the case... Oh, I'm weird, all right... but there IS hope!!! I deserve to be happy, and I'm working on that every day. No one can be happy ALL the time, but I'm changing my life, and myself for the better, so that the days where I feel happy thoroughly outnumber the ones where I don't.
- I'm grateful that I can still learn things... I don't know everything, and I'm very glad that I know that! I keep my eyes, ears, mind and heart open so that I can receive new information. I've long held the view that if you don't learn SOMETHING new every single day, no matter how small it is, then that particular day is wasted.
- I'm grateful for the National Football League!!! When I was very young, my dad introduced me to the sport of professional football. As I watched the games and bonded with him, I learned the value of teamwork and the importance of doing your job to the best of your ability. My dad passed away in 2012, and now every time I watch or even think about pro football, I think of my dad. I love him dearly, and I miss him terribly. If there is a heaven, I hope that my dad is meeting the players and coaches he enjoyed watching so much...
- I'm grateful that I have the chance to make a list like this and share it online...
So there it is... my (probably nowhere near complete list of THINGS THAT I'M GRATEFUL FOR!!! Hope you enjoyed reading it!!!
I'm going to try to add to this blog more often as the year moves forward... I think doing so could be theraputic for me. Thanks for reading, and take care, kids!!!
PEACE, LOVE, AND MUSIC!!!
Olivia Hope Woodstock
- I'm grateful for the opportunity to find myself... To find out who and what I am, what makes me happy, what make me sad, what I love, what I hate... and just what makes me tick in general. Self-examination is difficult, and at times heart-wrenching; but it's a necessary thing for me to do so I can move forward.
- I'm grateful for the opportunity to change my life for the better... This has both nothing, and everything, to do with being transgender... I've made quite a lot of terrible decisions in my life, and making positive changes in my life will enable me to progress more smoothly in my transition. My New Year's resolutions are to love myself more, and to not do stupid stuff... I've done WAY too much stupid stuff in my life and wasted way too much of it not to think about changing it for the better.
- I'm grateful for coffee!!! I love to drink it... I love that it wakes me up in the morning... I love the taste of it, the smell of it, and the sounds my little coffee maker makes when it burbles happily as it brews up that wonderful yummy goodness!!!
- I'm grateful for Facebook, and for the friends I have there... My friends have made me smile, made me happy, made me laugh, and made me think... They've taught me quite a bit... not just about being transgender, but about simply being a better human being. I'd like to thank each and every one of them for the impact they've made on my life.
- I'm grateful for my sister's support!!! Telling her that I was transgender was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in my entire life. Sometimes siblings (and parents) don't take that kind of news well at all... but my sister continues to be one of the best friends I have in the world! She listens, she offers advice, but most importantly, SHE CARES!!! I may not be her brother anymore, but she will always be my sister!!!
- I'm grateful for music... Music has been a constant in my life, ever since that little kid with the portable transistor radio back in the 70's; since the kid with the Walkman in the 80's; since my major cassette-buying era in the 90's; through the 2000's and up to today. Despite all of the bad decisions I've made in my life, there have been some pleasant times... Music brings back those good memories. Music has made me happy, sad, angry, and calm... For every mood and situation in my life, there's a song... Through good times and bad, music has always been there for me; in my head, in my heart, and in my soul.
- I'm grateful that I finally understand why I'd felt different from everyone else I knew for most of my life... I am transgender. For a long time, I thought I was just very weird, and that there was no hope for me to ever be truly happy. I realize now that that was not the case... Oh, I'm weird, all right... but there IS hope!!! I deserve to be happy, and I'm working on that every day. No one can be happy ALL the time, but I'm changing my life, and myself for the better, so that the days where I feel happy thoroughly outnumber the ones where I don't.
- I'm grateful that I can still learn things... I don't know everything, and I'm very glad that I know that! I keep my eyes, ears, mind and heart open so that I can receive new information. I've long held the view that if you don't learn SOMETHING new every single day, no matter how small it is, then that particular day is wasted.
- I'm grateful for the National Football League!!! When I was very young, my dad introduced me to the sport of professional football. As I watched the games and bonded with him, I learned the value of teamwork and the importance of doing your job to the best of your ability. My dad passed away in 2012, and now every time I watch or even think about pro football, I think of my dad. I love him dearly, and I miss him terribly. If there is a heaven, I hope that my dad is meeting the players and coaches he enjoyed watching so much...
- I'm grateful that I have the chance to make a list like this and share it online...
So there it is... my (probably nowhere near complete list of THINGS THAT I'M GRATEFUL FOR!!! Hope you enjoyed reading it!!!
I'm going to try to add to this blog more often as the year moves forward... I think doing so could be theraputic for me. Thanks for reading, and take care, kids!!!
PEACE, LOVE, AND MUSIC!!!
Olivia Hope Woodstock
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Hi, Kids! It's your friend Olivia once again! I found an old, poemy kind of thing that I wrote on December 21, 1991; and I wanted to share it... It's called "Christmastime Is..."
Christmastime is... Santa's helpers ringing bells
Crowds in the malls shopping for the "right "gift
City kids going another year without presents because their parents are on welfare
Snowflakes falling from a black-and-white photo sky
Wrapping paper with Technicolor bows and ribbons
Hopelessly messy weather to drive in
The annual "shopping days till Christmas "countdown
Couples in love kissing under mistletoe
A hooker named Holly freezing in fishnets to get extra money so her children can eat
College football bowl games on television
Christmas carols sung off-key by drunken revelers
An old man in intensive care whose last words were "Merry Christmas"
The yearly trip across the state to Grandma's
Getting presents you know you'll have to exchange
Commercials, commercials, commercials!
"Happy Christmas/War Is Over" by John and Yoko
The smell of turkey or ham or whatever on the table
The time when many people say "peace on earth, goodwill to men… " But few actually mean it...
"Jingle Bells", "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire", etc .on the Muzak at Denny's
Christmas parties with friends
The end of the pro football season
The start of the college basketball season
Summertime in Australia and New Zealand
When soldiers abroad miss their families and loved ones the most
The angel on the top of the tree shining bright
The candles on the menorah shining bright
The love in people's hearts shining bright
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
And remember: don't drink and drive!
Christmastime is... Santa's helpers ringing bells
Crowds in the malls shopping for the "right "gift
City kids going another year without presents because their parents are on welfare
Snowflakes falling from a black-and-white photo sky
Wrapping paper with Technicolor bows and ribbons
Hopelessly messy weather to drive in
The annual "shopping days till Christmas "countdown
Couples in love kissing under mistletoe
A hooker named Holly freezing in fishnets to get extra money so her children can eat
College football bowl games on television
Christmas carols sung off-key by drunken revelers
An old man in intensive care whose last words were "Merry Christmas"
The yearly trip across the state to Grandma's
Getting presents you know you'll have to exchange
Commercials, commercials, commercials!
"Happy Christmas/War Is Over" by John and Yoko
The smell of turkey or ham or whatever on the table
The time when many people say "peace on earth, goodwill to men… " But few actually mean it...
"Jingle Bells", "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire", etc .on the Muzak at Denny's
Christmas parties with friends
The end of the pro football season
The start of the college basketball season
Summertime in Australia and New Zealand
When soldiers abroad miss their families and loved ones the most
The angel on the top of the tree shining bright
The candles on the menorah shining bright
The love in people's hearts shining bright
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
And remember: don't drink and drive!
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Welcome back to "This Blog Is Not A Toy"! We'll resume the "Six Hits Of Acid" story straight away... I mentioned the vendors before… People selling stuff to make money for whatever reason... I can't believe I forgot about Grilled Cheese Guy! He must have been following us… Or going the same way that we were around the oval of the parking lot… Because, it seemed… For at least a couple of hours – wherever we were, whatever we were doing ... About 20 feet behind us, we heard "Grilled Cheese… Just a buck… What the fuck… " Paul and I were really tripping, with the blotter acid and the nitrous oxide we'd purchased... It got so that every time we heard Grilled Cheese Guy, we burst into peals of laughter!!!
So... We edged closer to the bridge that would take us to SPAC. Paul left for a minute, I forget why... Knowing him it was either drug-related or girl-related... I happened upon a kid sitting Indian -style on the side of the path near the bridge, just quietly strumming his acoustic guitar. It sounded good to me, so I stopped and listened for a bit. We chatted as he strummed...His name was Jeremy, and he was from Oregon, and...
Just then, another person appeared to Jeremy and I. This guy had a mini Bible in his hand.
"Do you know that Jesus Christ is your Lord and Savior?!?" said Jesus Dude.
"Well, maybe I don't want him to be my savior..." replied Jeremy coolly. This kind of discourse continued for a few more minutes, until finally Jesus Dude gave up and walked away, taking his mini-Bible with him. I thought that it was pretty cool the way Jeremy shut down Jesus Dude , without raising his voice or being a dick... So I gave him a free hit of acid. He thanked me and resued strumming. Paul returned from wherever he'd gone, and we went into the show.
The show was great! We danced, we laughed, we had a GREAT time! (We were, after all, still tripping...) As we were leaving, I realized that I still had six hits of acid left. I said, " I wanted to sell this acid, and never did. What am I gonna do?"
"Oh, just eat it..." replied Paul. Now looking back on it, the smart thing to have done would've been to hold onto the acid, and have it at a later time. But like I said before, I was NOT smart... (Hell, it would've been WAY smarter not to do ANY of that shit in the first place!!!) I was highly suggestible... And I was tripping pretty hard still...
"Just eat it." So I did. I ate six hits of acid in one go. Somehow, I got us both home without crashing my car. I pulled into my parking place, sighed deeply, and headed for my room.
I still lived with my parents then... I was thirty-five years old (I'm 48 now). I collected promotional posters from record stores, and had a few on my wall. One was from the Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young album "American Dream". It was a static head shot of all four of them; in that order, CSN&Y, looking straight into the camera. As the acid really began to kick in, I laid down on my bed, and looked up at the drop ceiling over my head. After about a minute, I couldn't see the cross beams that held the foam ceiling tiles up. It began to move like a treadmill over my head... Or it seemed like it, because I was tripping heavily. I had a pic of an astronaut on a spacewalk on my wall, and I swear he waved at me!!! I was really tripping hard! But thatwSnt all... I looked up at my CSN&Y poster.
Suddenly, David Crosby said to me, "Well, you shouldn't have done it. You shouldn't have taken six hits of acid at once... Do you know what could happen to your brain as a result of this?!?" I was just about to reply, when Stephen Stills looked at David Crosby and said, " I dunno, Dave... Everybody got home safe... Nobody got hurt, he's home and safe and not flipping out... Who are we to judge?" Crosby glared at Stills, and he agreed, "Oh, oh yeah... Uh, I agree with Dave... You shouldn't have done it ."
Graham Nash was a little more philosophical. "Well, I dunno; there's a real chance for self-discovery here, perhaps even growth if things go right... And Steve had a good point... Nobody got hurt!!!" The other two glared menacingly at Graham Nash, and he recanted his previous viewpoint, and almost embarrassingly quickly as well. It was as if David Crosby, and his views, held sway over the entire poster.
Neil Young, however; wearing a white fedora-like hat with a black band, seemed to have a knowing smile on his face. It was at that point that Neil Young said this:
"Fuck it! Enjoy yourself, man! When are you EVER gonna take six hits of acid at one time EVER again in your life, man?!? Fuck it! Love it, ride it out, live it, enjoy it; cause it's NEVER gonna EVER happen again!!! Have fun, stay safe, and enjoy yourself !!!"
David Crosby, Stephen Stills, and Graham Nash looked truly gobsmacked.
"What?!?" asked Neil Young to the rest of the group. I smiled and said, "Sage advice! Thanks, Neil!" He nodded and smiled, and I think I saw a hint of a smile on the face of Graham Nash as well. Then I turned on the television and watched cartoons for a couple hours as the American Dream poster argued
So... We edged closer to the bridge that would take us to SPAC. Paul left for a minute, I forget why... Knowing him it was either drug-related or girl-related... I happened upon a kid sitting Indian -style on the side of the path near the bridge, just quietly strumming his acoustic guitar. It sounded good to me, so I stopped and listened for a bit. We chatted as he strummed...His name was Jeremy, and he was from Oregon, and...
Just then, another person appeared to Jeremy and I. This guy had a mini Bible in his hand.
"Do you know that Jesus Christ is your Lord and Savior?!?" said Jesus Dude.
"Well, maybe I don't want him to be my savior..." replied Jeremy coolly. This kind of discourse continued for a few more minutes, until finally Jesus Dude gave up and walked away, taking his mini-Bible with him. I thought that it was pretty cool the way Jeremy shut down Jesus Dude , without raising his voice or being a dick... So I gave him a free hit of acid. He thanked me and resued strumming. Paul returned from wherever he'd gone, and we went into the show.
The show was great! We danced, we laughed, we had a GREAT time! (We were, after all, still tripping...) As we were leaving, I realized that I still had six hits of acid left. I said, " I wanted to sell this acid, and never did. What am I gonna do?"
"Oh, just eat it..." replied Paul. Now looking back on it, the smart thing to have done would've been to hold onto the acid, and have it at a later time. But like I said before, I was NOT smart... (Hell, it would've been WAY smarter not to do ANY of that shit in the first place!!!) I was highly suggestible... And I was tripping pretty hard still...
"Just eat it." So I did. I ate six hits of acid in one go. Somehow, I got us both home without crashing my car. I pulled into my parking place, sighed deeply, and headed for my room.
I still lived with my parents then... I was thirty-five years old (I'm 48 now). I collected promotional posters from record stores, and had a few on my wall. One was from the Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young album "American Dream". It was a static head shot of all four of them; in that order, CSN&Y, looking straight into the camera. As the acid really began to kick in, I laid down on my bed, and looked up at the drop ceiling over my head. After about a minute, I couldn't see the cross beams that held the foam ceiling tiles up. It began to move like a treadmill over my head... Or it seemed like it, because I was tripping heavily. I had a pic of an astronaut on a spacewalk on my wall, and I swear he waved at me!!! I was really tripping hard! But thatwSnt all... I looked up at my CSN&Y poster.
Suddenly, David Crosby said to me, "Well, you shouldn't have done it. You shouldn't have taken six hits of acid at once... Do you know what could happen to your brain as a result of this?!?" I was just about to reply, when Stephen Stills looked at David Crosby and said, " I dunno, Dave... Everybody got home safe... Nobody got hurt, he's home and safe and not flipping out... Who are we to judge?" Crosby glared at Stills, and he agreed, "Oh, oh yeah... Uh, I agree with Dave... You shouldn't have done it ."
Graham Nash was a little more philosophical. "Well, I dunno; there's a real chance for self-discovery here, perhaps even growth if things go right... And Steve had a good point... Nobody got hurt!!!" The other two glared menacingly at Graham Nash, and he recanted his previous viewpoint, and almost embarrassingly quickly as well. It was as if David Crosby, and his views, held sway over the entire poster.
Neil Young, however; wearing a white fedora-like hat with a black band, seemed to have a knowing smile on his face. It was at that point that Neil Young said this:
"Fuck it! Enjoy yourself, man! When are you EVER gonna take six hits of acid at one time EVER again in your life, man?!? Fuck it! Love it, ride it out, live it, enjoy it; cause it's NEVER gonna EVER happen again!!! Have fun, stay safe, and enjoy yourself !!!"
David Crosby, Stephen Stills, and Graham Nash looked truly gobsmacked.
"What?!?" asked Neil Young to the rest of the group. I smiled and said, "Sage advice! Thanks, Neil!" He nodded and smiled, and I think I saw a hint of a smile on the face of Graham Nash as well. Then I turned on the television and watched cartoons for a couple hours as the American Dream poster argued
"...Lately it occurs to me...What a long strange trip it's been..."- The Grateful Dead, "Truckin' "
Hi, kids!!! Good day, eh... & welcome to "This Blog Is Not A Toy"! Well, I've thought about it for quite a while, and today, I'm finally gonna try to write it down... Hope I can still remember it all... Lol I'm doing this to have it down for posterity (or "poster"-ity, as the case may be...); and to show just how actually stupid and suggestible I truly was back then. Anyway, here now for your enjoyment , the famous "Six Hits Of Acid" story!!!
(This really works better when I tell it in person, but I'll try my best to translate it to the electronic page...)
Summer 2001, Saratoga Springs, New York. The Saratoga Performing Arts Center (or SPAC, as it's more commonly known...) was abuzz with activity, as Phil Lesh (former Grateful Dead bass player) And Friends and some other groups were in town for a tour known as "The Furthur Festival". As some of you may know, "Furthur" refers to Ken Kesey's old psychedelic bus... For more info on Kesey and his Merry Pranksters, check out "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test" by Tom Wolfe.
The Grateful Dead was the house band for some of the original Acid Tests in the late 60's... Phil Lesh was there, along with the rest of the Dead: Mickey Hart and Bill Kreutzmann on percussion and drums, Bob Weir on rhythm guitar and vocals, and Jerry Garcia on lead guitar and vocals. The Grateful Dead, or "The Dead" as they were sometimes called, created a loyal following with their blues-based rock'n'roll. They toured incessantly through the 70's and 80's, and great fun was had by all who saw them play...
"Get to the story!" I'm just filling in some background for those who weren't there!!! Gosh!!!
One big part of the Grateful Dead's fan base were people who called themselves "Deadheads". Deadheads would sometimes follow the band on tour, traveling from city to city just to see the Dad play. It was one such Deadhead that my friend Paul* (name changed to protect his privacy) found in the SPAC parking lot, in a stereotypically psychedelic painted van. This girl sold Paul and I some white blotter acid.(I think it was white... It might have had pictures on it... I don't remember...) I paid her for eight hits, and she handed me the sheet, which was wrapped in tinfoil, and said to me, "You break it off, I don't wanna trip yet." Fine, doll... I ended up grabbing like ten hits, handed her her sheet back and thanked her.
Paul and I walked off to find a place where we could enjoy our new purchase. The air was filled with excitement... and other things... In the parking lot, a few different groups of people were playing Grateful Dead music from their car stereos, and a few even brought their own instruments, and were jamming away just like their heroes. Some people sold different items out of their cars, spread out on blankets. Most of the vendors were just regular people who wanted to make a buck or two. Some of the people sold things to make money to travel with The Dead (or in this case, Phil & Friends) to the next stop on the tour... Some sold things because they were into crafts...Still others sold things to fuel their drug intake... Paul and I walked around and around and around the lot, when the acid finally kicked in. It was pretty mellow... A really good scene... "Shakedown Street" (the parking lot/vending area, named from another Dead song) was pretty lively that day, as show time crept closer and closer.
We bought bottled beer from a vendor to quench our thirsts... It was a hot, slightly muggy summer day, and the parking lot was a little dusty. After the beer, we also bought a balloon of nitrous oxide. Laughing gas, as it's also known, is a quick, intense high that doesn't last too long; but is pleasurable. As with most drugs, it's inhaled through the mouth. The user then holds their breath until they can no longer do so. Nitrous produces a kind of ringing sensation inside your head for a couple minutes after use, along with general (short-lived) euphoria.
The area around the tanks of nitrous oxide were like no place I'd ever been at any other concert, before or since. Nitrous oxide has no smell that I'm aware of, but it filled the surrounding air. Every once in awhile, one of the balloons broke with a loud "POP!!!" This allowed all the contents of that balloon to get into the surrounding air. Here's where that euphoria comes in... At most concerts, no matter what drugs people are on, or what band is playing that night, there's bound to be at least one spot of trouble. Someone will argue or fight with someone else; it doesn't matter who, nor does it matter what started the original dispute... In this area, there was none of that. As I looked about, nearly EVERYONE I saw was smiling. Could've been the nitrous oxide, maybe not... It was weird, but a really good kind of weird.
Paul and I began to edge closer to the bridge that would take us to the venue. The parking lot we were in was across the road from SPAC, and there was a bridge over the highway.
Hi, kids!!! Good day, eh... & welcome to "This Blog Is Not A Toy"! Well, I've thought about it for quite a while, and today, I'm finally gonna try to write it down... Hope I can still remember it all... Lol I'm doing this to have it down for posterity (or "poster"-ity, as the case may be...); and to show just how actually stupid and suggestible I truly was back then. Anyway, here now for your enjoyment , the famous "Six Hits Of Acid" story!!!
(This really works better when I tell it in person, but I'll try my best to translate it to the electronic page...)
Summer 2001, Saratoga Springs, New York. The Saratoga Performing Arts Center (or SPAC, as it's more commonly known...) was abuzz with activity, as Phil Lesh (former Grateful Dead bass player) And Friends and some other groups were in town for a tour known as "The Furthur Festival". As some of you may know, "Furthur" refers to Ken Kesey's old psychedelic bus... For more info on Kesey and his Merry Pranksters, check out "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test" by Tom Wolfe.
The Grateful Dead was the house band for some of the original Acid Tests in the late 60's... Phil Lesh was there, along with the rest of the Dead: Mickey Hart and Bill Kreutzmann on percussion and drums, Bob Weir on rhythm guitar and vocals, and Jerry Garcia on lead guitar and vocals. The Grateful Dead, or "The Dead" as they were sometimes called, created a loyal following with their blues-based rock'n'roll. They toured incessantly through the 70's and 80's, and great fun was had by all who saw them play...
"Get to the story!" I'm just filling in some background for those who weren't there!!! Gosh!!!
One big part of the Grateful Dead's fan base were people who called themselves "Deadheads". Deadheads would sometimes follow the band on tour, traveling from city to city just to see the Dad play. It was one such Deadhead that my friend Paul* (name changed to protect his privacy) found in the SPAC parking lot, in a stereotypically psychedelic painted van. This girl sold Paul and I some white blotter acid.(I think it was white... It might have had pictures on it... I don't remember...) I paid her for eight hits, and she handed me the sheet, which was wrapped in tinfoil, and said to me, "You break it off, I don't wanna trip yet." Fine, doll... I ended up grabbing like ten hits, handed her her sheet back and thanked her.
Paul and I walked off to find a place where we could enjoy our new purchase. The air was filled with excitement... and other things... In the parking lot, a few different groups of people were playing Grateful Dead music from their car stereos, and a few even brought their own instruments, and were jamming away just like their heroes. Some people sold different items out of their cars, spread out on blankets. Most of the vendors were just regular people who wanted to make a buck or two. Some of the people sold things to make money to travel with The Dead (or in this case, Phil & Friends) to the next stop on the tour... Some sold things because they were into crafts...Still others sold things to fuel their drug intake... Paul and I walked around and around and around the lot, when the acid finally kicked in. It was pretty mellow... A really good scene... "Shakedown Street" (the parking lot/vending area, named from another Dead song) was pretty lively that day, as show time crept closer and closer.
We bought bottled beer from a vendor to quench our thirsts... It was a hot, slightly muggy summer day, and the parking lot was a little dusty. After the beer, we also bought a balloon of nitrous oxide. Laughing gas, as it's also known, is a quick, intense high that doesn't last too long; but is pleasurable. As with most drugs, it's inhaled through the mouth. The user then holds their breath until they can no longer do so. Nitrous produces a kind of ringing sensation inside your head for a couple minutes after use, along with general (short-lived) euphoria.
The area around the tanks of nitrous oxide were like no place I'd ever been at any other concert, before or since. Nitrous oxide has no smell that I'm aware of, but it filled the surrounding air. Every once in awhile, one of the balloons broke with a loud "POP!!!" This allowed all the contents of that balloon to get into the surrounding air. Here's where that euphoria comes in... At most concerts, no matter what drugs people are on, or what band is playing that night, there's bound to be at least one spot of trouble. Someone will argue or fight with someone else; it doesn't matter who, nor does it matter what started the original dispute... In this area, there was none of that. As I looked about, nearly EVERYONE I saw was smiling. Could've been the nitrous oxide, maybe not... It was weird, but a really good kind of weird.
Paul and I began to edge closer to the bridge that would take us to the venue. The parking lot we were in was across the road from SPAC, and there was a bridge over the highway.
Monday, November 10, 2014
So... When last we left our hero... *ahem* heroine, she had recently realized that she is, in fact, a girl. What could be done about this fact, you would ask... Well, in this case, the next step was therapy. Sitting down and talking to someone, and telling them all sorts of thoughts, feelings, and desires that they've had over their entire life… in my case, I had felt, ever since about the age of 14… that the mind and soul that I had on the inside did not match up with the body I had on the outside. I told my therapist about this, and she had some ideas of different therapeutic options.
She said I had something called "gender dysphoria "… Which means that the body I had did not mesh with the mind and heart that I had… Outside, I looked like your average, normal, everyday guy. Inside, I was a girl. And the older I grew, the more I felt like a girl. This was probably why that I felt the need to push these feelings away by using lots and lots of drugs. You name the drug, I've probably tried it… with the exception of anything that required a needle. I really had no idea how to deal with these feelings, so I just kept trying to push them away.
My therapist gave me a letter that said that she felt that I had gender dysphoria, and that there was a medical course of action that could be taken. I was to give this letter to another doctor who would give me female hormones to take. However, because of the blood thinners I was on due to the blood clots; I was unable to take estrogen. So I received prescriptions for both finasteride and spironolactone. These medications began to block the testosterone that had influenced my mental, physical and emotional development since my teenage years. And while in some respects I felt a little better for having less testosterone in my system ; the combination of the two medications induced a kind of depression after a little while. It was not pleasant, but some friends of mine helped to talk me down from some bad thoughts I was having.
And then, things began to change. My girlfriend had told me that she did not see herself in a lesbian relationship with me. This saddened me to no end, because I had intended to spend the rest of my life with her. But, it's completely her right to be in the kind of relationship she wants to be in… She has every right to be happy, as do I. She moved on, and obtained a boyfriend from among her friends on her favorite online game, World of Warcraft. (I found this slightly ironic… Considering that she and I had met on an online game as well: Pirates of the Caribbean online… but that is in the past.) Her boyfriend sold his house, and began to prepare to move in with my now ex-girlfriend. However, I was still living in the house. This meant that I would have to find another place to live.
I spoke with my therapist about these recent developments, as well as some of my friends online. One of my online friends was nice enough to open her home to me. This now meant that I had a place to go. However, I felt that my physical transition had begun to stall, due to the continued lack of estrogen from being on blood thinners.
I obtained a transfer from my job. I was going to leave the store that I was at, and begin a new job at a new store, close to my friend's house. As if on cue, my car died. I couldn't drive it to Minnesota, and I would have to leave stuff in my ex-girlfriend's basement. Thankfully, she's letting me do this… In the meantime, I had to take a bus to Minnesota. I came here with a couple of boxes of clothes, and not very warm clothes at that… Sometime soon, I'll have more money to be able to buy more stuff… But until then, I am in survival mode. I have basically nothing. No car… No computer… No television… nothing.
I've got to try to remain positive… I have many friends who have shown me that what I want can actually occur… I just have to keep believing it. Someday… It will happen. Someday… Olivia will be a reality, and not just a Facebook profile. I've said before that the future looks moderately bright… There's just all of this "now" to get through first… Well, "now "sucks! But, I hope at least that it's finite. I'm still waiting for the good part… But I'm convinced that it will be there ...sometime…
She said I had something called "gender dysphoria "… Which means that the body I had did not mesh with the mind and heart that I had… Outside, I looked like your average, normal, everyday guy. Inside, I was a girl. And the older I grew, the more I felt like a girl. This was probably why that I felt the need to push these feelings away by using lots and lots of drugs. You name the drug, I've probably tried it… with the exception of anything that required a needle. I really had no idea how to deal with these feelings, so I just kept trying to push them away.
My therapist gave me a letter that said that she felt that I had gender dysphoria, and that there was a medical course of action that could be taken. I was to give this letter to another doctor who would give me female hormones to take. However, because of the blood thinners I was on due to the blood clots; I was unable to take estrogen. So I received prescriptions for both finasteride and spironolactone. These medications began to block the testosterone that had influenced my mental, physical and emotional development since my teenage years. And while in some respects I felt a little better for having less testosterone in my system ; the combination of the two medications induced a kind of depression after a little while. It was not pleasant, but some friends of mine helped to talk me down from some bad thoughts I was having.
And then, things began to change. My girlfriend had told me that she did not see herself in a lesbian relationship with me. This saddened me to no end, because I had intended to spend the rest of my life with her. But, it's completely her right to be in the kind of relationship she wants to be in… She has every right to be happy, as do I. She moved on, and obtained a boyfriend from among her friends on her favorite online game, World of Warcraft. (I found this slightly ironic… Considering that she and I had met on an online game as well: Pirates of the Caribbean online… but that is in the past.) Her boyfriend sold his house, and began to prepare to move in with my now ex-girlfriend. However, I was still living in the house. This meant that I would have to find another place to live.
I spoke with my therapist about these recent developments, as well as some of my friends online. One of my online friends was nice enough to open her home to me. This now meant that I had a place to go. However, I felt that my physical transition had begun to stall, due to the continued lack of estrogen from being on blood thinners.
I obtained a transfer from my job. I was going to leave the store that I was at, and begin a new job at a new store, close to my friend's house. As if on cue, my car died. I couldn't drive it to Minnesota, and I would have to leave stuff in my ex-girlfriend's basement. Thankfully, she's letting me do this… In the meantime, I had to take a bus to Minnesota. I came here with a couple of boxes of clothes, and not very warm clothes at that… Sometime soon, I'll have more money to be able to buy more stuff… But until then, I am in survival mode. I have basically nothing. No car… No computer… No television… nothing.
I've got to try to remain positive… I have many friends who have shown me that what I want can actually occur… I just have to keep believing it. Someday… It will happen. Someday… Olivia will be a reality, and not just a Facebook profile. I've said before that the future looks moderately bright… There's just all of this "now" to get through first… Well, "now "sucks! But, I hope at least that it's finite. I'm still waiting for the good part… But I'm convinced that it will be there ...sometime…
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