Monday, November 10, 2014

    So... When last we left our hero... *ahem* heroine, she had recently realized that she is, in fact, a girl. What could be done about this fact, you would ask... Well, in this case, the next step was therapy. Sitting down and talking to someone, and telling them all sorts of thoughts, feelings, and desires that they've had over their entire life… in my case, I had felt, ever since about the age of 14… that the mind and soul that I had on the inside did not match up with the body I had on the outside. I told my therapist about this, and she had some ideas of different therapeutic options.
    She said I had something called "gender dysphoria "… Which means that the body I had did not mesh with the mind and heart that I had… Outside,  I looked like your average, normal, everyday guy. Inside, I was a girl. And the older I grew, the more I felt like a girl. This was probably why that I felt the need to push these feelings away by using lots and lots of drugs. You name the drug, I've probably tried it… with the exception of anything that required a needle. I really had no idea how to deal with these feelings, so I just kept trying to push them away.
    My therapist gave me a letter that said that she felt that I had gender dysphoria, and that there was a medical course of action that could be taken. I was to give this letter to another doctor who would give me female hormones to take. However, because of the blood thinners I was on due to the blood clots; I was unable to take estrogen. So I received prescriptions for both finasteride and spironolactone. These medications began to block the testosterone that had influenced my mental, physical and emotional development since my teenage years. And while in some respects I felt a little better for having less testosterone in my system ; the combination of the two medications induced a kind of depression after a little while. It was not pleasant, but some friends of mine helped to talk me down from some bad thoughts I was having.
    And then, things began to change. My girlfriend had told me that she did not see herself in a lesbian relationship with me. This saddened me to no end, because I had intended to spend the rest of my life with her. But, it's completely her right to be in the kind of relationship she wants to be in… She has every right to be happy, as do I. She moved on, and obtained a boyfriend from among her friends on her favorite online game, World of Warcraft. (I found this slightly ironic… Considering that she and I had met on an online game as well: Pirates of the Caribbean online… but that is in the past.) Her boyfriend sold his house, and began to prepare to move in with my now ex-girlfriend. However, I was still living in the house. This meant that I would have to find another place to live.
    I spoke with my therapist about these recent developments, as well as some of my friends online. One of my online friends was nice enough to open her home to me. This now meant that I had a place to go. However, I felt that my physical transition had begun to stall, due to the continued lack of estrogen from being on blood thinners.
    I obtained a transfer from my job. I was going to leave the store that I was at, and begin a new job at a new store, close to my friend's house. As if on cue, my car died. I couldn't drive it to Minnesota, and I would have to leave stuff in my ex-girlfriend's basement. Thankfully, she's letting me do this… In the meantime, I had to take a bus to Minnesota. I came here with a couple of boxes of clothes, and not very warm clothes at that… Sometime soon, I'll have more money to be able to buy more stuff… But until then, I am in survival mode. I have basically nothing. No car… No computer… No television… nothing.
    I've got to try to remain positive… I have many friends who have shown me that what I want can actually occur… I just have to keep believing it. Someday… It will happen. Someday… Olivia will be a reality, and not just a Facebook profile. I've  said before that the future looks moderately bright… There's just all of this "now" to get through first… Well, "now "sucks! But, I hope at least that it's finite. I'm still waiting for the good part… But I'm convinced that it will be there ...sometime…

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