Wednesday, June 24, 2015

      "...Oh, I didn't realize... That you wrote poetry... I didn't realize you wrote such bloody awful poetry, Mr. Shankly..."- The Smiths, "Frankly, Mr. Shankly"

     Once upon a time, there was a girl... although she didn't know it until relatively late in her life. Her name was Olivia... or that was he name she chose for herself when she realized that she was a girl. Before she'd understood that she was indeed a girl, Olivia wrote poetry occasionally; and every once in a great while, she had tried to write what she envisioned as short stories. She'd invariably gotten stuck at some point on each and every one of them. She kept pushing her feelings away, most often using copious amounts of drugs to accomplish the heinous task.

     Among the myriad of reasons that Olivia found herself feeling guilty was because she wasn't writing, something she figured out that she had a talent for. She felt shame as well, and among the reasons for this was that she was hungry for acceptance and love; two things that she could never seem to give herself, despite the yearning she had for both. Olivia was also very afraid at times... She'd be so concerned about what other people thought about her (and to a lesser extent, her written output, or lack thereof; virtually nonexistent at some very low and nearly stagnant points in her life), that she didn't get that it didn't really matter how others viewed her... What really mattered, Olivia later found out; was how she thought and felt about herself.

     Liv (one of Olivia's nicknames, which she liked because it sounded like the word "live"; which was all she really wanted to do once she dug that she was a girl) had made a bunch of changes in her life, one of which was to resume writing. This helped her get in touch with the feelings she'd pushed away for decades, helping her to grow as both a person and a writer. She wrote more poetry, and some of it has been included here so that you lucky people could read it...

        Livy here... I wrote this April 27th... It's what I would say to "the boy" if I actually ever had the chance... It doesn't rhyme, but whatever...
Woman In Progress
U know me... U've always known me
U spent over three decades pushing me away
Pushing me into a corner, the same corner U've finally painted Urself into
Well, guess who's ready to pounce... That's right, it's Ur girl
All that time, all that money, all the life you wasted
Trying to shove me down into a mental oubliette
Well, it didn't work, did it? U tried to drink me away... I survived
U tried to smoke me away with drugs of all kinds
I roared back with a vengeance... I wouldn't be denied
U kept trying, again and again, to silence my voice
Even when I was on Ur side, still U tried to muffle me
Even when I was the only person who gave U a chance
U dismissed me as just figment of Ur drug-addled imagination
A "What If?" straight out of the saddest comic book ever
U left everything U'd ever known behind in a frantic search
For the love U desperately needed in Ur life
But could never ever give Urself, even if U had tried to
And I was always there, just out of earshot
On the edge of Ur field of vision... There I was...
Watching... Waiting... Fighting every effort U made to silence me
Well now, U finally see me as I am... as I've always been
I am a little worse for wear, though... U put up a good fight
But now U're slowly realizing that I was right all along
U made a complete mess of Ur life... Ur sad, wasted life
U had such potential... But U chose to stop after the first 3 letters
All that all that weed did was slow me down
It made U take such a very, very long time to acknowledge me
I've always been here, and I always will be
I'm a part of U, whether U like it or not
And whether I like it or not, U're a part of me, too
I'm taking the few good parts of U and making them my own
And don't even think that the fight is over
Even though I now have the upper hand, I haven't won yet
Though as long as I have breath, I'll continue to fight U
U're finally down, but U're not out... Yet
But U're tired.. I can see it in the lines on your face
And I'm gaining strength... U can see it in my confident smile
I WILL beat U... I WILL take what's mine!!!
And I won't stop until U're just someone from my distant past
Someone who used to call this battered body home
Someone who tried, tried, and tried; again and again and again
To get rid of me... To squash me... To ace me...
Well, now guess who's holding all the aces? That's right, me
I'm in charge now... and succeeding at things U only dreamed of
And I'll keep succeeding, because I have more drive that U
I've fought for my life for decades... Do U think I'll quit now?
Do U think I'll let up just because I'm winning?
Guess again... This is MY time to shine, bright eyes
U are through holding my body hostage... It's my turn
So prepare to be locked away, as U tried to do to me
Where U failed, I WILL succeed!!! Because I have no choice
This is MY life now... It's not Urs anymore
U have no claim to it any longer... It's mine
And every single day that passes just makes me stronger
I'm a woman in progress... & I'm better than U ever could be
Maybe THAT'S why U tried to push me away all those years
Maybe it was out of fear... The abject fear I see in Ur eyes even now
Look into my eyes. Go ahead... What do U see?
I'll tell U... A woman who's had all she can take of U
I'm pushing harder than ever, to rid U from this body
U'll be relegated to memories... Sad little thoughts of the past
Buckle up... The future might be bumpy, but it'll be great
MY future...My life...And silencing U, will be MY victory
It's all over but the crying... U've lost
I am ascendant... And I WILL prevail!!

I wrote this one on May 20th... It's about the never-ending journey I'm on...
The road has just begun
It's the toughest road I've ever been on
There's no bike, no car, no bus
Just my tired, numb feet, plodding along
Don't think I don't hear the naysayers
I hear their snickers, their scorn
I hear their hateful laughter
As they disdain my journey
My purpose, my raison d'etre
I keep moving forward, ever onward
I look for signposts in the distance
I know that others have travelled this road
And ventured down the path I tread
I see mementoes, memorials to the fallen
The ones overwhelmed by the journey
I pause for a brief moment to honor them
Their struggle fuels my resolve
Spurring me to continue on
I'm here because I must be
Because I know that this road
Will get me to where I need to be
There are many pitfalls on this path
I learn to sidestep them
I trudge on, with raw hamburger feet
Bloodied by the hard road I walk
This is the way... It's gotta be
Through hardships and trials
I slowly slough towards happiness
I grin wryly at the gathering clouds
As the inexorable road stretches to the horizon

May 31st brought this small, yet powerful verse:
Balls?!? No...
It doesn't take balls to be a trans* woman...
It DOES take: audacity, grit, moxie, spunk, willpower, guts, backbone, courage, fortitude, heart, hardihood, mettle, pluck, spine, resolution, spirit, bravery, intrepidity, valor, boldness, brass, cheek, chutzpah, resolve, toughness, temerity, & tenacity
...but it does NOT take balls.
Those you can take from me.

 And on June 6th, this rumination on love...
Perhaps Better Left Unsaid
"take care, my friend"
she but skims the surface, a water-walker of words
when her actual feelings are deeper than the Marianas Trench; and are so hot to the touch, as would burn up the things she values the most
so she soft-pedals... understates... touches lightly upon those sensitive subjects
a bit of dandelion fluff, settling gently upon a blade of grass; instead of a meteor which would quake the ground as it pounded the earth, leaving a gaping, enormous crater in its thunderous wake
how & where to express the outsize feelings; bold, brassy, bouncy brain bits, harnessed to her pounding heart with hoops of steel
not a concern for some... & she'll keep it as such... to protect the things she loves perhaps too much
perhaps if one truly expresses oneself with fervor and fire at all times, the impact is lessened; the proverbial "thousand suns" one's love is brighter than, dim with near-constant exposure to them
so, though it guts her inside, and makes her feel as if a gag has been tightened around her heart... she stems the tide of words she desperately wishes to express her undying love... and says simply,
"take care, my friend"
TAKE all you want from me, every scrap of my being is yours for the asking
i CARE about you more than I care about myself
MY happiness increases tenfold when I see your bright smile
you're my best FRIEND
"take care, my friend"

     Olivia has deduced that writing is: something which she enjoys doing, something that helps her become both a better person and a better writer, and something that she seems to have an aptitude for.
She hopes that you've enjoyed her humble poetry. She's promised to write more in the future... and she promises she'll try not to refer to herself in the third person ever again. Until our dear friend Olivia makes a reappearance (which she promises will be sooner than later), we bid her a fond adieu.